I live in the greatest city on this planet, and it's a real shame because I hate it so much. I think I would like it a lot better were it not for the crappy transit system and the mutants that I'm required to ride with. Today I have for you a preliminary list of things to not do while on mass transit.
1. No shaving. This is in fact the inspiration for this blog post. Yesterday, I was riding the subway when, to my horror, the guy sitting across from me whipped out his electric razor and began shaving his face. Like, what? I kept thinking to myself, Is this seriously happening right now? Indeed it was. It's like as if I were to whip out a Bic and start shaving my legs or my underarms on the subway. There are a million reasons why this is inappropriate behavior. I don't mean to sound like an uptight bitch, but shaving on the subway? It's gross. It wasn't even like the guy looked like a total schlub and needed a shave. He could have made it until he got home that night, or even to work. There is no reason why you can't take care of that in your house, where you can clean up afterward.
2. No clipping your fingernails. I find this kind of mysterious. Everyone who rides mass transit hates this, complains about it, and still people do it. I think that some people are flip-flopping, because I have never heard anyone express the opinion that they are totally fine with people clipping their fingernails on mass transit. This, I think, is possibly worse than shaving because you never know where those little fuckers are going to go. Wait until you get home. Wait until you get to work and do it in the bathroom, but on the bus? Seriously?
3. No flossing. I have personally never seen this one, but my roommate told me that she did. But again with the personal hygiene on the mass transit. Yuck. Do you not have a home?
4. Do not use mass transit without deodorizing first. Why do New Yorkers refuse to take care of their personal hygiene before they leave their apartments in the morning? I refuse to believe that there are that many people in this city who have serious sweating problems. And I'm not even talking about the evening rush hour. I can be flexible with people being a little stinky during evening rush hour because they've not had a chance since the morning to deodorize unless they're like me and they carry around a little mini stick of deodorant. But during morning rush hour? When everyone is mushed together, arms up, and you just came from your apartment? Why do you smell this bad?
5. Do not put your bags on the seat during rush hour. That's just rude. I know that some people think that their lives will be that much better if they don't have a seatmate, but they are wrong. Life will go on.
6. Do not ask your seatmate "where exactly" they live. Ok, I was on the bus the other day on my way home from class late at night, and my seatmate decided to strike up a conversation with me. I was totally fine with this. I like to chat, but I was more than slightly creeped out when he asked me, "So, you live around here? Where exactly do you live?" I was speechless, and of course I made something up because, like, why would I tell a strange man on the bus "where exactly" I live? What was this person thinking? Creepy and awful. Don't do it. Ever.
God, I wish my car was conducive to my environment right now.
Love,
B
