Dear People of the World,
When dealing with other people, the only ones in this world who can claim ignorance of others' feelings is children, because they truly can't comprehend a world outside their own mind.
This being said, if you are over the age of twelve, you need to start thinking about what you're saying and who you're saying it to before you speak, text, or email. Ignorance is no longer an option.
Thanks,
B
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
COSMO IS FULL OF EXCUSES
"Whether you've been together for three days or three years, your guy has probably bragged to his friends about bedding you (and he'll do it again). But most men would be surprised to know that offends you, since they're just trying to one-up their buddies. "Guys have been doing this kind of thing since they were five years old," says Sussman. "It's how they relate to each other." To him, touting his own accomplishments to his crew is as natural as you telling your BFF the results of your recent shopping excursion."
Oh yeah Cosmo, this is acceptable behavior. My shopping excursion is definitely comparable to my boyfriend telling his buddies about our sexual excursions. Because, you know, I hurt all my clothes' feelings when I talk about how much I bought them for.
Fuck you.
Oh yeah Cosmo, this is acceptable behavior. My shopping excursion is definitely comparable to my boyfriend telling his buddies about our sexual excursions. Because, you know, I hurt all my clothes' feelings when I talk about how much I bought them for.
Fuck you.
TOO MUCH HONESTY
Today we’re going to talk about honesty, and how it is directly related to men’s stupidity, and I mean that in the least high school sort of way possible.
Don’t get me wrong, honesty is a good thing. Saying things like “I love you” and meaning them is important, and expressing your feelings is important. However, there are certain things that just shouldn’t be said. If anyone has ever seen the movie Liar Liar, they’ll know that there’s something called too much honesty. Jim Carey’s example to his son is that you can’t tell your pregnant wife that she looks like a hippo with a gland problem because it’s unnecessarily hurtful, so you just tell her that she’s beautiful.
It’s a simple concept. There’s no reason to say mean things about someone’s appearance when you know it’s going to hurt them. Why would you say something that you know is going to make someone feel incredibly ugly unless you’re trying to hurt them?
And if you’re trying to hurt them, why are they your girlfriend in the first place?
I’ll give you my own example. Say a girl had a mole on her face, and she tells her boyfriend that when she was younger, it was one of her biggest insecurities because it made her feel ugly and different from everyone else in an unconventional way. Is it then right for said boyfriend to say something like “I was grossed out by your mole at first, but then loved you despite of it”?
Boys, the answer is no, it is not right for you to say that. It makes it sound like you’re saying “you’re beautiful except for that thing on your face.” No matter what you think, there is different connotation when you say “I didn’t like it at first” than when you say “it grossed me out.” It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since she told you it made her insecure, and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been going out. It’s not an appropriate thing to say, unless you’re trying to be hurtful, and if you’re trying to be hurtful, don’t have a girlfriend.
Like I said, honesty is nice. I like when people tell the truth, but there’s telling the truth in a nice way, and then there’s being a jerk about it. Why say something that’s going to make someone feel bad if you can help it? Why point out your girlfriend’s mole as the flaw in her that you love her despite of? It’s ridiculous.
If you don’t want to sound like an ass, it’s important to be delicate, so please turn your brain-to-mouth filter up to its full volume.
Don’t get me wrong, honesty is a good thing. Saying things like “I love you” and meaning them is important, and expressing your feelings is important. However, there are certain things that just shouldn’t be said. If anyone has ever seen the movie Liar Liar, they’ll know that there’s something called too much honesty. Jim Carey’s example to his son is that you can’t tell your pregnant wife that she looks like a hippo with a gland problem because it’s unnecessarily hurtful, so you just tell her that she’s beautiful.
It’s a simple concept. There’s no reason to say mean things about someone’s appearance when you know it’s going to hurt them. Why would you say something that you know is going to make someone feel incredibly ugly unless you’re trying to hurt them?
And if you’re trying to hurt them, why are they your girlfriend in the first place?
I’ll give you my own example. Say a girl had a mole on her face, and she tells her boyfriend that when she was younger, it was one of her biggest insecurities because it made her feel ugly and different from everyone else in an unconventional way. Is it then right for said boyfriend to say something like “I was grossed out by your mole at first, but then loved you despite of it”?
Boys, the answer is no, it is not right for you to say that. It makes it sound like you’re saying “you’re beautiful except for that thing on your face.” No matter what you think, there is different connotation when you say “I didn’t like it at first” than when you say “it grossed me out.” It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since she told you it made her insecure, and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been going out. It’s not an appropriate thing to say, unless you’re trying to be hurtful, and if you’re trying to be hurtful, don’t have a girlfriend.
Like I said, honesty is nice. I like when people tell the truth, but there’s telling the truth in a nice way, and then there’s being a jerk about it. Why say something that’s going to make someone feel bad if you can help it? Why point out your girlfriend’s mole as the flaw in her that you love her despite of? It’s ridiculous.
If you don’t want to sound like an ass, it’s important to be delicate, so please turn your brain-to-mouth filter up to its full volume.
Monday, April 26, 2010
COSMOPOLITAN
Dear Cosmopolitan Inc,
There are many beefs that I have with you, many of which I will not mention today because I'm attempting to condense them all into a fluid paper.
However, I would like to ask why you sent my issue of your magazine so that it arrived exactly two weeks late. First of all ,it almost made me knock on my crazy hallmate's door and demand that I have it back, which would have been embarrassing and dangerous to my health.
Second of all, I'm writing a paper on your publication and needed the newest issue for it. Be considerate of my time lines; my paper is due tomorrow.
And third of all, timeliness is the most important trait for a magazine to have if they want to keep subscriptions up. I shouldn't have had to go out and spend an extra $4.48 on your magazine because it was two weeks late.
I hate you.
B
There are many beefs that I have with you, many of which I will not mention today because I'm attempting to condense them all into a fluid paper.
However, I would like to ask why you sent my issue of your magazine so that it arrived exactly two weeks late. First of all ,it almost made me knock on my crazy hallmate's door and demand that I have it back, which would have been embarrassing and dangerous to my health.
Second of all, I'm writing a paper on your publication and needed the newest issue for it. Be considerate of my time lines; my paper is due tomorrow.
And third of all, timeliness is the most important trait for a magazine to have if they want to keep subscriptions up. I shouldn't have had to go out and spend an extra $4.48 on your magazine because it was two weeks late.
I hate you.
B
Saturday, April 24, 2010
BUS DRIVERS
Dear Bus Drive of the M31,
My child does not need a bus pass, as she is under 48 inches tall. Please do not demand one from me, and please do not speak to me in that tone of voice. I don't talk to you in that tone of voice, do I? No. It's not appropriate. I am not giving you my money. Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Becky
My child does not need a bus pass, as she is under 48 inches tall. Please do not demand one from me, and please do not speak to me in that tone of voice. I don't talk to you in that tone of voice, do I? No. It's not appropriate. I am not giving you my money. Go fuck yourself.
Love,
Becky
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
WHERE IS MY COSMO?
Dear Person Who Lives Across The Hall,
Where is my Cosmo? It usually comes the 12th and never comes later than the 15th. Today is the 20th. It still hasn't arrived. I'm starting to suspect foul play. Not only is it not socially acceptable to take and open other people's mail, it is also illegal.
Please return Cosmo to me, or there is going to be trouble.
Shanks,
Becky.
Where is my Cosmo? It usually comes the 12th and never comes later than the 15th. Today is the 20th. It still hasn't arrived. I'm starting to suspect foul play. Not only is it not socially acceptable to take and open other people's mail, it is also illegal.
Please return Cosmo to me, or there is going to be trouble.
Shanks,
Becky.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
(RUSH)(HOUR)
I think that for stupid people, it is sometimes best to break down words so they can have a better understanding of them. For example, a word like rush hour. "Rush Hour" (which isn't even one word, but we say it as one) is the time of the day when all people who work are either going to or coming from their job. This is a critical time of the day because in the morning we're rushing because we overslept, and in the afternoon we're rushing because we want to get as far away from our place of business as possible.
So, to break down the word fully; "Rush" is the key word to hold onto. It means to be speady. As in, get your ass in gear. "Hour" refers to the time of the rushing (roughly from 7am to 9am or from 5pm to 8pm). Put the two words together, and you realize that this is the time to move your ass.
Obviously, some people haven't been taking the meaning of this phrase seriously, otherwise I wouldn't have to talk about it. So for future reference for all the language-challenged people who participate in Rush Hour (and especially Rush Hour in New York City), I have some things not to do.
First of all, if you're the guy in the subway at the 59th & Lex stop, don't sing during this time. I know you think that it's when you're most likely to get a lot of money, but your voice is truly awful, and doubly so during Friday evening Rush Hour. One day, someone is going to strangle you with your microphone cord to the applause of everyone in the subway. Be safe. Stop singing.
When there is a crowd waiting for the subway, do not push your way to the front of the crowd. This is incredibly rude. You do not have first pick of the seats because you haven't been waiting the longest time. Back of the line, buddy.
This rule is just general subway Betiquette, and I am shocked about how many people ignore it: DO NOT PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE SUBWAY CAR WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET OUT. I feel like this rule gets a little out of hand during evening Rush Hour because everyone wants to sit on their ass after a long hard day of sitting on their ass, so they're all pushing and shoving for that one seat that is available on the subway at the expense of people trying to get out. Patience, people. You're probably not going to be the one getting the seat, anyway.
Please try to avoid taking your screaming three year old on the subway at Rush Hour. People are trying to sleep during morning Rush Hour, and people are irritable during evening Rush Hour. This is a recipe for disaster. Of course, it's understandable that this is unavoidable sometimes, but in those cases, get them a binky or something.
When going up and down subway steps and escalators, remember that the right side is for slow people/Old People/people with children. On the other hand, the left side is for people who want to move their ass. I understand that you probably would rather stay at the office because going home to your wife and children before the children are in bed seems like an awful prospect, but then you have to stay on your side of the escalator (the right side, in case you missed it). Especially when someone behind you is trying to move their ass down the escalator to get to their train that is waiting in the station. Because if I have one more train slam its doors in my face because someone doesn't know the proper side of the escalator, it's going to be trouble.
So, to break down the word fully; "Rush" is the key word to hold onto. It means to be speady. As in, get your ass in gear. "Hour" refers to the time of the rushing (roughly from 7am to 9am or from 5pm to 8pm). Put the two words together, and you realize that this is the time to move your ass.
Obviously, some people haven't been taking the meaning of this phrase seriously, otherwise I wouldn't have to talk about it. So for future reference for all the language-challenged people who participate in Rush Hour (and especially Rush Hour in New York City), I have some things not to do.
First of all, if you're the guy in the subway at the 59th & Lex stop, don't sing during this time. I know you think that it's when you're most likely to get a lot of money, but your voice is truly awful, and doubly so during Friday evening Rush Hour. One day, someone is going to strangle you with your microphone cord to the applause of everyone in the subway. Be safe. Stop singing.
When there is a crowd waiting for the subway, do not push your way to the front of the crowd. This is incredibly rude. You do not have first pick of the seats because you haven't been waiting the longest time. Back of the line, buddy.
This rule is just general subway Betiquette, and I am shocked about how many people ignore it: DO NOT PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE SUBWAY CAR WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET OUT. I feel like this rule gets a little out of hand during evening Rush Hour because everyone wants to sit on their ass after a long hard day of sitting on their ass, so they're all pushing and shoving for that one seat that is available on the subway at the expense of people trying to get out. Patience, people. You're probably not going to be the one getting the seat, anyway.
Please try to avoid taking your screaming three year old on the subway at Rush Hour. People are trying to sleep during morning Rush Hour, and people are irritable during evening Rush Hour. This is a recipe for disaster. Of course, it's understandable that this is unavoidable sometimes, but in those cases, get them a binky or something.
When going up and down subway steps and escalators, remember that the right side is for slow people/Old People/people with children. On the other hand, the left side is for people who want to move their ass. I understand that you probably would rather stay at the office because going home to your wife and children before the children are in bed seems like an awful prospect, but then you have to stay on your side of the escalator (the right side, in case you missed it). Especially when someone behind you is trying to move their ass down the escalator to get to their train that is waiting in the station. Because if I have one more train slam its doors in my face because someone doesn't know the proper side of the escalator, it's going to be trouble.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
HOW (NOT) TO PICK UP A GIRL IN A BAR
The dating scene is a nasty place. I count myself lucky to be out of it before ever really being "in" it. However, I am not above getting a free drink from a guy at the bar, if the opportunity presents itself.
I see dating as a game, with a clear winner and a clear loser. At least, it is if you're in my situation (out at the bar even though you're not single). He's trying to get me drunk enough to sleep with him; I'm attempting to get enough drinks to be buzzed but not sloppy. It's tough. Admittedly, it is tough for the guy who's shelling out all the money, and not getting any out of it.
However boys, though it can be disappointing, it is also unreasonable that if you buy me drinks I am expected to sleep with you. I am not going to sleep with you. Ever. It was just a beer. Don't expect it, and advance as if you deserve it when I have given you no clear indication that you are coming back to my apartment. Especially if you are a skinny rodent-like whit boy with a clear Queens accent. But I digress.
The point is, there are certain things that men should never do in a bar regardless of how many drinks they bought a girl. The main thing I am going to discuss today is touching... how not to touch someone in a bar.
Never under any circumstances grab a girl from behind in a choke hold and try to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, and this rule is doubly important when she says to you "THIS IS NOT OK." I don't know if you realize this, but most people don't like to be held in a choke hold, and may even find it vaguely threatening. I'm pretty sure that your father told you that when a girl says NO, you have to stop even if you think that she doesn't mean it, because then it's called RAPE. This is not only a sex rule, it is also a touching rule.
(Note: this could also be for your own safety, because she might have a mean streak and a baseball bat.)
Also, when the girl says goodbye to you, and thanks you for the drink, do not try to pull her in and hug her, especially if she is trying to pull away from you. When forcing your embrace upon her, do not try to whisper things in her ear like "C'mon girl, we gonna hang out tonight", because you're going to get a response along the lines of "No, sorry, can't tonight. My boyfriend is upstairs in bed waiting for me."
And then you're going to feel like a jackass.
In this game, we both have objectives. Girls want to be drunk and have a good time, and boys want to sleep with the girls. However, I don't feel as if girls should ever feel obligated to sleep with a man just because he bought her a drink. That's not how it works. So boys, keep it in your pants and try not to be a touchy-feely drunkard.
I see dating as a game, with a clear winner and a clear loser. At least, it is if you're in my situation (out at the bar even though you're not single). He's trying to get me drunk enough to sleep with him; I'm attempting to get enough drinks to be buzzed but not sloppy. It's tough. Admittedly, it is tough for the guy who's shelling out all the money, and not getting any out of it.
However boys, though it can be disappointing, it is also unreasonable that if you buy me drinks I am expected to sleep with you. I am not going to sleep with you. Ever. It was just a beer. Don't expect it, and advance as if you deserve it when I have given you no clear indication that you are coming back to my apartment. Especially if you are a skinny rodent-like whit boy with a clear Queens accent. But I digress.
The point is, there are certain things that men should never do in a bar regardless of how many drinks they bought a girl. The main thing I am going to discuss today is touching... how not to touch someone in a bar.
Never under any circumstances grab a girl from behind in a choke hold and try to whisper sweet nothings into her ear, and this rule is doubly important when she says to you "THIS IS NOT OK." I don't know if you realize this, but most people don't like to be held in a choke hold, and may even find it vaguely threatening. I'm pretty sure that your father told you that when a girl says NO, you have to stop even if you think that she doesn't mean it, because then it's called RAPE. This is not only a sex rule, it is also a touching rule.
(Note: this could also be for your own safety, because she might have a mean streak and a baseball bat.)
Also, when the girl says goodbye to you, and thanks you for the drink, do not try to pull her in and hug her, especially if she is trying to pull away from you. When forcing your embrace upon her, do not try to whisper things in her ear like "C'mon girl, we gonna hang out tonight", because you're going to get a response along the lines of "No, sorry, can't tonight. My boyfriend is upstairs in bed waiting for me."
And then you're going to feel like a jackass.
In this game, we both have objectives. Girls want to be drunk and have a good time, and boys want to sleep with the girls. However, I don't feel as if girls should ever feel obligated to sleep with a man just because he bought her a drink. That's not how it works. So boys, keep it in your pants and try not to be a touchy-feely drunkard.
Friday, April 9, 2010
WHY LANDLORDS SHOULD PICK UP THEIR PHONE
I have moved around a lot since January 2007; believe it or not, since that time I have lived in six different places, and have lived with at least twenty-three different people. However, I have had only two different Landlords, and one man who thought that it was ok to dictate ridiculous rules to me after I had moved in…. but I digress. This being said, I like to think that I know how things should be run.
But I’ll tell you, being a Landlord must be really difficult. I mean, they must have it real bad. You can never get them on the phone, and even if you do, you can never get them to come over and fix shit. I once had a Landlord who refused to come fix a leaking faucet for four months, and it’s not even like the faucet had a minor leak; this wasn’t a drip-drip-drip, it was Niagara Falls. It was so bad that I had to close the bathroom door at night because I could hear it leaking from upstairs. The guy didn’t even have to get a plumber; he ended up fixing the leak himself. Eventually. And the thing is that I know his day wasn’t that busy, because he used to spend hours just sitting on the stoop and making sure only the right people went in and out of his building.
Now that’s just not right. Doesn’t this man know anything about the Green movement? Doesn’t he know that we’re all trying to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle? Doesn’t he like to conserve water? Doesn’t he know that all that water that leaked out of my faucet in all those months probably could have been used to water an entire village for months? That is a man who truly needs to be slapped in the mouth and reported to the Landlords Association, or whoever it is that keeps the Landlords in check.
Never have I known anyone who told me that they really loved their Landlord, so I’ve written some guidelines for Landlords, in regards to Fixing Shit.
1. Answer the phone. You have a cell phone for a reason: so that you can answer my calls. If you are taking my money every month, you have a responsibility to answer your phone when I call. Isn’t this the reason that you gave me your number?
2. Answer your voicemails and/or text messages. I may be a bitch, but I understand that you cannot answer your phone 24/7, and you are not at my beck and call all day. However, if you got my voicemail more than three days ago, I should have received a reply call. I left you my phone number so that you can call me back.
3. When there is a problem, say a leak in the roof or something, please come and examine the damage. You may think that it is enough to have seen the pictures in the text message, but it isn’t. It turns out that you can see a lot more when you come and see for yourself. Before you send any “professionals” over, please come and look for yourself.
4. Do number three in a timely manner. If my roof started leaking in the middle of March, there is no reason why my roof still needs to be leaking in April, you know what I mean?
5. Underpaying on work that needs to be done is never a good idea. Cheap is expensive, and chances are that if you underpay, you will be back in a few months doing the same procedure over again.
6. When you finally get around to hiring someone who isn’t a complete putz to fix things, make sure you come with them, especially if you haven’t yet seen the damage for yourself (though you should have come right after the problem was reported). I will continue to use the hypothetical problem of the leaky roof. Do not send a group of hypothetical Mexicans over unaccompanied to sneak onto my terrace with a ladder and then peak into my windows. I could, hypothetically, be undressed. Or undressing. Or be having hypothetical sex with my hypothetical boyfriend. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. I should know they are coming, and they should come and buzz the front door and not surprise me by peering in the windows. NOT OK NOT OK NOT OK.
7. Make sure that when you hire people to fix something, they know what they’re supposed to be fixing. If my roof is leaking, I’m not going to be appreciative if I think someone is there to fix the leak and they only end up caulking my door closed. This is going to get expensive, because they’re going to expect payment when they didn’t actually do anything useful. If you’re going to hire Mexicans to do the job, make sure you speak Spanish.
Landlords of the world, I would love it if you realized that this is very good advice. After all, I am only here to help because helping you helps me. The truth is, you’re losing a lot of money by not using my guidelines for attending to the Renters’ problems.
In the end, it’s no skin off of my back if you don’t come fix this place; you’re the one who owns it. Sure, it’s inconvenient for me to have to move my couch every time it rains, but eventually I am going to move out. Then, you’re going to try to rent the place to someone else and realize that you can’t rent it to them without fixing all the shit that you were supposed to fix while I was still living there. And then by that time, everything will have deteriorated so much that it’ll take a lot more money to fix than it would have if you had just come when I called you.
So pick up the phone.
But I’ll tell you, being a Landlord must be really difficult. I mean, they must have it real bad. You can never get them on the phone, and even if you do, you can never get them to come over and fix shit. I once had a Landlord who refused to come fix a leaking faucet for four months, and it’s not even like the faucet had a minor leak; this wasn’t a drip-drip-drip, it was Niagara Falls. It was so bad that I had to close the bathroom door at night because I could hear it leaking from upstairs. The guy didn’t even have to get a plumber; he ended up fixing the leak himself. Eventually. And the thing is that I know his day wasn’t that busy, because he used to spend hours just sitting on the stoop and making sure only the right people went in and out of his building.
Now that’s just not right. Doesn’t this man know anything about the Green movement? Doesn’t he know that we’re all trying to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle? Doesn’t he like to conserve water? Doesn’t he know that all that water that leaked out of my faucet in all those months probably could have been used to water an entire village for months? That is a man who truly needs to be slapped in the mouth and reported to the Landlords Association, or whoever it is that keeps the Landlords in check.
Never have I known anyone who told me that they really loved their Landlord, so I’ve written some guidelines for Landlords, in regards to Fixing Shit.
1. Answer the phone. You have a cell phone for a reason: so that you can answer my calls. If you are taking my money every month, you have a responsibility to answer your phone when I call. Isn’t this the reason that you gave me your number?
2. Answer your voicemails and/or text messages. I may be a bitch, but I understand that you cannot answer your phone 24/7, and you are not at my beck and call all day. However, if you got my voicemail more than three days ago, I should have received a reply call. I left you my phone number so that you can call me back.
3. When there is a problem, say a leak in the roof or something, please come and examine the damage. You may think that it is enough to have seen the pictures in the text message, but it isn’t. It turns out that you can see a lot more when you come and see for yourself. Before you send any “professionals” over, please come and look for yourself.
4. Do number three in a timely manner. If my roof started leaking in the middle of March, there is no reason why my roof still needs to be leaking in April, you know what I mean?
5. Underpaying on work that needs to be done is never a good idea. Cheap is expensive, and chances are that if you underpay, you will be back in a few months doing the same procedure over again.
6. When you finally get around to hiring someone who isn’t a complete putz to fix things, make sure you come with them, especially if you haven’t yet seen the damage for yourself (though you should have come right after the problem was reported). I will continue to use the hypothetical problem of the leaky roof. Do not send a group of hypothetical Mexicans over unaccompanied to sneak onto my terrace with a ladder and then peak into my windows. I could, hypothetically, be undressed. Or undressing. Or be having hypothetical sex with my hypothetical boyfriend. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. I should know they are coming, and they should come and buzz the front door and not surprise me by peering in the windows. NOT OK NOT OK NOT OK.
7. Make sure that when you hire people to fix something, they know what they’re supposed to be fixing. If my roof is leaking, I’m not going to be appreciative if I think someone is there to fix the leak and they only end up caulking my door closed. This is going to get expensive, because they’re going to expect payment when they didn’t actually do anything useful. If you’re going to hire Mexicans to do the job, make sure you speak Spanish.
Landlords of the world, I would love it if you realized that this is very good advice. After all, I am only here to help because helping you helps me. The truth is, you’re losing a lot of money by not using my guidelines for attending to the Renters’ problems.
In the end, it’s no skin off of my back if you don’t come fix this place; you’re the one who owns it. Sure, it’s inconvenient for me to have to move my couch every time it rains, but eventually I am going to move out. Then, you’re going to try to rent the place to someone else and realize that you can’t rent it to them without fixing all the shit that you were supposed to fix while I was still living there. And then by that time, everything will have deteriorated so much that it’ll take a lot more money to fix than it would have if you had just come when I called you.
So pick up the phone.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
FOR DOUCHY UNIVERSITIES
Dear Mr. Dr. President of the University,
I think that you should know, as the President of an Extremely Prestigious University, that there are terrible things going on in many facets of the University. It turns out, in the end, that the only people willing to do their jobs are the dedicated Professors, who I find flexible and willing to put their hours and more in assistance of the students.
But to be perfectly frank, everyone else sucks.
For example, I once went to the clinic. What I had was clearly a case of bronchitis. When I got in to see the "doctor", she did not check my ears, nose or throat, and then proceeded to misdiagnose me. It seems to me that when someone comes in with upper respiratory problems, it would only make sense to check their ears, nose and throat in order to come to the proper diagnosis. It turns out that your NP is an idiot. You shouldn't allow her to "diagnose" students, and I definitely wouldn't allow her to administer a swine flu vaccine.
Next up are the wonderful men and women you call your Deans. You should make it clear to them that they are there to serve us, the students who are paying $40,000 a year to attend your University. These dipshits are making you look bad. I understand that they have University rules that they must follow, but then they shouldn't tell students that they will break said rules for them when it is not a possibility, and then lie and say that they never said they would do what they said they would do. This is how students get totally screwed. They also need to be more communicative with each other, and with our Advisers. If no one knows what is going on, the students are going to be the ones suffering for it. I have one Dean telling me that I can take a tutorial over the summer, and then one telling me that I can't. Does anyone in the University actually know what the rules are?
I won't even start on ResLife, mostly because I don't want to think about that whole shitshow of a system now that I'm out of it. Your dorms are comfortable and accommodating in themselves, and that's the only good thing about them. The administration running them is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Also, please get a new lottery system; the whole "points" thing isn't working.
Finally, I want to talk about the financial aid: where does it all go? Lord knows I'm not getting any of it. I know someone is getting it, since they University doesn't seem to have a lot of money, and charges us for everything we get. Why is it that my sister paid less money to go to school, and yet at her graduation she got a whole table of food and an ice sculpture, while our graduates get Nothing?
Your financial aid office is a disgrace. A DISGRACE. First of all, it is NOT appropriate to release a financial aid package halfway through the semester. Some people (see: all students) can't pay $40,000 out of pocket. This being said, these same people need to know how much money they will owe the University long before the money is due. We need to take out loans. Letting me know how much money I owe to the University a week before said money is due mean that you're not going to get your money on time, which means that I can't register for classes, which leads to all sorts of problems with the Deans promising this and that and the other thing. Work on that.
Second of all, it is inappropriate to keep my financial aid that is supposed to be released to me for rent. Don't think I don't know that that money is sitting in the University's account gaining interest while my landlord is bugging me for rent "because he has bills to pay, too." And please, tell the people at Financial Aid to stop blaming Sally Mae. They notify me when the money goes through. If the money goes through the first week of September, I should not be receiving it in the middle of October, simple as that. I have never seen a group of people with such piss-poor work ethic; no one in that office wants to do their job, and I will let you know that all students have something to say about it.
For all these reasons, I will not be applying to your Graduate Program. Please remedy these problems, because your administration is dragging your schools' Good Name through the mud, and making you look like a shitbag. I advise you fire some people. Soon.
Thanks,
Becky
I think that you should know, as the President of an Extremely Prestigious University, that there are terrible things going on in many facets of the University. It turns out, in the end, that the only people willing to do their jobs are the dedicated Professors, who I find flexible and willing to put their hours and more in assistance of the students.
But to be perfectly frank, everyone else sucks.
For example, I once went to the clinic. What I had was clearly a case of bronchitis. When I got in to see the "doctor", she did not check my ears, nose or throat, and then proceeded to misdiagnose me. It seems to me that when someone comes in with upper respiratory problems, it would only make sense to check their ears, nose and throat in order to come to the proper diagnosis. It turns out that your NP is an idiot. You shouldn't allow her to "diagnose" students, and I definitely wouldn't allow her to administer a swine flu vaccine.
Next up are the wonderful men and women you call your Deans. You should make it clear to them that they are there to serve us, the students who are paying $40,000 a year to attend your University. These dipshits are making you look bad. I understand that they have University rules that they must follow, but then they shouldn't tell students that they will break said rules for them when it is not a possibility, and then lie and say that they never said they would do what they said they would do. This is how students get totally screwed. They also need to be more communicative with each other, and with our Advisers. If no one knows what is going on, the students are going to be the ones suffering for it. I have one Dean telling me that I can take a tutorial over the summer, and then one telling me that I can't. Does anyone in the University actually know what the rules are?
I won't even start on ResLife, mostly because I don't want to think about that whole shitshow of a system now that I'm out of it. Your dorms are comfortable and accommodating in themselves, and that's the only good thing about them. The administration running them is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Also, please get a new lottery system; the whole "points" thing isn't working.
Finally, I want to talk about the financial aid: where does it all go? Lord knows I'm not getting any of it. I know someone is getting it, since they University doesn't seem to have a lot of money, and charges us for everything we get. Why is it that my sister paid less money to go to school, and yet at her graduation she got a whole table of food and an ice sculpture, while our graduates get Nothing?
Your financial aid office is a disgrace. A DISGRACE. First of all, it is NOT appropriate to release a financial aid package halfway through the semester. Some people (see: all students) can't pay $40,000 out of pocket. This being said, these same people need to know how much money they will owe the University long before the money is due. We need to take out loans. Letting me know how much money I owe to the University a week before said money is due mean that you're not going to get your money on time, which means that I can't register for classes, which leads to all sorts of problems with the Deans promising this and that and the other thing. Work on that.
Second of all, it is inappropriate to keep my financial aid that is supposed to be released to me for rent. Don't think I don't know that that money is sitting in the University's account gaining interest while my landlord is bugging me for rent "because he has bills to pay, too." And please, tell the people at Financial Aid to stop blaming Sally Mae. They notify me when the money goes through. If the money goes through the first week of September, I should not be receiving it in the middle of October, simple as that. I have never seen a group of people with such piss-poor work ethic; no one in that office wants to do their job, and I will let you know that all students have something to say about it.
For all these reasons, I will not be applying to your Graduate Program. Please remedy these problems, because your administration is dragging your schools' Good Name through the mud, and making you look like a shitbag. I advise you fire some people. Soon.
Thanks,
Becky
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE'S CRAP
When someone lends you something it is important to return the item in the same condition. I will use for an example, a car.
Cars are big and expensive to buy. When a working college student is able to buy a car, you have to figure that they saved a lot of money for a long of time to do so. Therefore, when borrowing their car, do not crap all over their hard work by breaking their rules (smoking in the car, eating in the car, leaving garbage in the car), getting cigarette burns on the seat or the door of the car, losing the oil cap, breaking the rosary beads that are hanging from the rearview mirror, or crashing the car. The last offense is especially horrific if you haven’t even asked permission in the first place to borrow the car.
I know that we are supposed to treat other people’s crap the way we would want someone to treat our crap, but if this is the way you would treat your own crap, try treating someone else’s crap the way they would treat your crap. Maybe you don’t appreciate your own work, but treat other people’s work with respect.
Cars are big and expensive to buy. When a working college student is able to buy a car, you have to figure that they saved a lot of money for a long of time to do so. Therefore, when borrowing their car, do not crap all over their hard work by breaking their rules (smoking in the car, eating in the car, leaving garbage in the car), getting cigarette burns on the seat or the door of the car, losing the oil cap, breaking the rosary beads that are hanging from the rearview mirror, or crashing the car. The last offense is especially horrific if you haven’t even asked permission in the first place to borrow the car.
I know that we are supposed to treat other people’s crap the way we would want someone to treat our crap, but if this is the way you would treat your own crap, try treating someone else’s crap the way they would treat your crap. Maybe you don’t appreciate your own work, but treat other people’s work with respect.
GIRLFRIENDS & LIVING QUARTERS
I know it’s hard being a girlfriend, especially when your boyfriend’s family members love him so much; impressing your boyfriend’s family is a difficult task indeed. So I’ve thought up two pretty major things that you shouldn’t do when trying to impress your boyfriend’s family (especially when meeting them for the first time):
First of all, do not ask his sister sarcastically if she is attending her grandfather’s birthday party, especially if she is fond of her family. Remember, you are by no means obligated to go to the party, and therefore have absolutely no right to be sarcastic or resentful about going.
Secondly, when at the party do not, and I repeat do not, talk shit about your boyfriend’s family members in front of them, because chances are they are human beings with ears.
Once you’ve passed these most basic of rules of Betiquette, it’s time to move onto the house. When visiting your boyfriend’s house, it is important to be respectful of everyone’s property, and be polite to all family members within the home, regardless of whether they are there daily or not. This being said, here are some things you shouldn’t do once you’ve basically moved into your boyfriend’s parents’ home:
1.Do not dye your hair with the hand towel in their bathroom. As you may know, once hair dye is on material, it usually doesn’t come out. Furthermore, if you have already made this grievous error, it would be wrong to then put the hand towel back on its ring, thus staining the white wall behind it. And for Becky’s sake, please, if you have already committed this crime against the family, show some remorse. After all, his parents have paid for these things and not all people have money to burn.
2. Do not throw away absent family members’ things, including loofas, hair brushes, tooth brushes, lotions, special soaps (etc etc), especially if you know that these family members return to the house. Whether you want to believe it or not, his sister still needs her loofa when she returns from college, and she is not happy to wash with yours.
(Note: this second error might mean that his sister scrubs the toilet with the loofa that you have replaced hers with. Vengeance is swift.)
3. When said absent family members are returned home, it is not acceptable to steal the toilet paper from the bathroom all night because you have a cold and need to blow your nose; she will be angry that she has to go downstairs every time she needs to pee in the middle of the night. Get a box of fucking tissues.
4. Moaning loudly during sex is not appropriate, especially at 3 AM.
I only warn against these things because repercussions can be severe and may include, but are not limited to, having your loofa or tooth brush used as a cleaning tool, having your contact lenses fluid poured down the drain, having the toilet paper dipped in the toilet bowl, or having your shampoo all squeezed out.
Beware the angry absent family member, especially if she is a woman; generally speaking, women hate when their territory is invaded by their brother’s girlfriends.
However, these are not the only reason to follow these rules. You want to follow these rules because you want to feel good about yourself as a human being. And you don’t want everyone to think you’re an asshole.
First of all, do not ask his sister sarcastically if she is attending her grandfather’s birthday party, especially if she is fond of her family. Remember, you are by no means obligated to go to the party, and therefore have absolutely no right to be sarcastic or resentful about going.
Secondly, when at the party do not, and I repeat do not, talk shit about your boyfriend’s family members in front of them, because chances are they are human beings with ears.
Once you’ve passed these most basic of rules of Betiquette, it’s time to move onto the house. When visiting your boyfriend’s house, it is important to be respectful of everyone’s property, and be polite to all family members within the home, regardless of whether they are there daily or not. This being said, here are some things you shouldn’t do once you’ve basically moved into your boyfriend’s parents’ home:
1.Do not dye your hair with the hand towel in their bathroom. As you may know, once hair dye is on material, it usually doesn’t come out. Furthermore, if you have already made this grievous error, it would be wrong to then put the hand towel back on its ring, thus staining the white wall behind it. And for Becky’s sake, please, if you have already committed this crime against the family, show some remorse. After all, his parents have paid for these things and not all people have money to burn.
2. Do not throw away absent family members’ things, including loofas, hair brushes, tooth brushes, lotions, special soaps (etc etc), especially if you know that these family members return to the house. Whether you want to believe it or not, his sister still needs her loofa when she returns from college, and she is not happy to wash with yours.
(Note: this second error might mean that his sister scrubs the toilet with the loofa that you have replaced hers with. Vengeance is swift.)
3. When said absent family members are returned home, it is not acceptable to steal the toilet paper from the bathroom all night because you have a cold and need to blow your nose; she will be angry that she has to go downstairs every time she needs to pee in the middle of the night. Get a box of fucking tissues.
4. Moaning loudly during sex is not appropriate, especially at 3 AM.
I only warn against these things because repercussions can be severe and may include, but are not limited to, having your loofa or tooth brush used as a cleaning tool, having your contact lenses fluid poured down the drain, having the toilet paper dipped in the toilet bowl, or having your shampoo all squeezed out.
Beware the angry absent family member, especially if she is a woman; generally speaking, women hate when their territory is invaded by their brother’s girlfriends.
However, these are not the only reason to follow these rules. You want to follow these rules because you want to feel good about yourself as a human being. And you don’t want everyone to think you’re an asshole.
Friday, April 2, 2010
A LESSON ON INTERRACIAL BETIQUETTE
Today, we’re going to talk about interracial couples, and their relationship to Old People. As an American with a biracial president, I feel incredibly close to this subject, and feel the need to discuss, for the sake of Old People, how to properly handle the situation.
After all, interracial couples are a Situation.
As we all know, Old People do not appreciate interracial couples, biracial children, or Barack Obama. Two of these things I can discuss; the other I will leave for a rainy day. Today, I am going to discuss with the Old People should not act when their granddaughter is dating a man of color.
(Note: this is not to say that only White Old People are racist… obviously, this situation could be turned around.)
Old People, in situations like this, things could become incredibly difficult and confusing for you. You might ask yourself, “Where did I go wrong in translating my racist message to my grandchild?” or “Why is this happening to my family?” I know you never thought it would happen to you, but when the time comes you need to be able to practice proper Betiquette. Admittedly, it is a hard situation, but you mustn’t blame yourself. Though it can be heartbreaking, there are some things that you should never do.
1. Do not ignore your granddaughter when she first informs you that he is black. This will make things incredibly awkward for you, and probably make your granddaughter resent you.
2. When you meet this young man, do not refuse to shake his hand. Along the same lines, do not avoid eye contact with him. It may be tricky, but try to act like he is just another person.
3. Do not ignore the fact that your granddaughter wants to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner, as there is a high chance she will get drunk at dinner and say some inappropriate things while wolfing down a bowl of mashed potatoes that was meant for the whole table. If you’re going to let your other granddaughters bring their boyfriends, fair is only fair.
4. Do not, DO NOT, assume that it is just a phase, and it will pass. If you do this, you may be lulling yourself into a false sense of security.
5. When your granddaughter declares that she might one day want to marry him, do not exclaim something like, “You would really marry That Guy? Give yourself a chance.” Not only is this going to be damaging to your relationship with your granddaughter, but it is going to make you sound like a huge asshole. If you find these words escaping your lips, please do not be surprised if someone slaps you in the mouth.
Old People, I know you think that you‘ve lived long enough that you can say anything to anyone about anything, and that since you’re old you cannot be reprimanded, but think again. Society deals with your racism to a certain point, but remember that when it’s family, it’s personal. Stop the resentment before it’s too late.
After all, interracial couples are a Situation.
As we all know, Old People do not appreciate interracial couples, biracial children, or Barack Obama. Two of these things I can discuss; the other I will leave for a rainy day. Today, I am going to discuss with the Old People should not act when their granddaughter is dating a man of color.
(Note: this is not to say that only White Old People are racist… obviously, this situation could be turned around.)
Old People, in situations like this, things could become incredibly difficult and confusing for you. You might ask yourself, “Where did I go wrong in translating my racist message to my grandchild?” or “Why is this happening to my family?” I know you never thought it would happen to you, but when the time comes you need to be able to practice proper Betiquette. Admittedly, it is a hard situation, but you mustn’t blame yourself. Though it can be heartbreaking, there are some things that you should never do.
1. Do not ignore your granddaughter when she first informs you that he is black. This will make things incredibly awkward for you, and probably make your granddaughter resent you.
2. When you meet this young man, do not refuse to shake his hand. Along the same lines, do not avoid eye contact with him. It may be tricky, but try to act like he is just another person.
3. Do not ignore the fact that your granddaughter wants to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner, as there is a high chance she will get drunk at dinner and say some inappropriate things while wolfing down a bowl of mashed potatoes that was meant for the whole table. If you’re going to let your other granddaughters bring their boyfriends, fair is only fair.
4. Do not, DO NOT, assume that it is just a phase, and it will pass. If you do this, you may be lulling yourself into a false sense of security.
5. When your granddaughter declares that she might one day want to marry him, do not exclaim something like, “You would really marry That Guy? Give yourself a chance.” Not only is this going to be damaging to your relationship with your granddaughter, but it is going to make you sound like a huge asshole. If you find these words escaping your lips, please do not be surprised if someone slaps you in the mouth.
Old People, I know you think that you‘ve lived long enough that you can say anything to anyone about anything, and that since you’re old you cannot be reprimanded, but think again. Society deals with your racism to a certain point, but remember that when it’s family, it’s personal. Stop the resentment before it’s too late.
BETIQUETTE
Before I start bitching about this and that, I thought that I would introduce a key term, which is “Betiquette”. When you hear this word, you might feel compelled to ask, “what exactly is Betiquette?” I’m glad you’ve asked.
Well, we all know that “Etiquette” refers to required acts dictated by society. If you follow these norms of society, chances are you’re not a total douche bag. If you don’t have any etiquette, then there is a high chance the people might think that you’re an asshole.
(Note: Please conquer proper etiquette before you move on to Betiquette.)
Now, this being said, we can move onto Betiquette. Etiquette is usually clearly defined. For example, on a first date, a man is supposed to pay for dinner and a movie, open the car door, pull out the chair (if applicable), etc etc. Girls know that if they have three consecutive dates like this with the same man all in a relatively small period of time, it is only polite to spread their legs after the third date.
Ok, maybe I’m joking about that girl’s part, but you get the idea.
Simply put, Betiquette refers to things that aren’t nearly as defined. In some cases, it refers to things that are so mundane or simple that they become confusing or are merely overlooked.
Let’s all practice proper Betiquette, please.
Well, we all know that “Etiquette” refers to required acts dictated by society. If you follow these norms of society, chances are you’re not a total douche bag. If you don’t have any etiquette, then there is a high chance the people might think that you’re an asshole.
(Note: Please conquer proper etiquette before you move on to Betiquette.)
Now, this being said, we can move onto Betiquette. Etiquette is usually clearly defined. For example, on a first date, a man is supposed to pay for dinner and a movie, open the car door, pull out the chair (if applicable), etc etc. Girls know that if they have three consecutive dates like this with the same man all in a relatively small period of time, it is only polite to spread their legs after the third date.
Ok, maybe I’m joking about that girl’s part, but you get the idea.
Simply put, Betiquette refers to things that aren’t nearly as defined. In some cases, it refers to things that are so mundane or simple that they become confusing or are merely overlooked.
Let’s all practice proper Betiquette, please.
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