GIRLFRIENDS & LIVING QUARTERS

I know it’s hard being a girlfriend, especially when your boyfriend’s family members love him so much; impressing your boyfriend’s family is a difficult task indeed. So I’ve thought up two pretty major things that you shouldn’t do when trying to impress your boyfriend’s family (especially when meeting them for the first time):

First of all, do not ask his sister sarcastically if she is attending her grandfather’s birthday party, especially if she is fond of her family. Remember, you are by no means obligated to go to the party, and therefore have absolutely no right to be sarcastic or resentful about going.

Secondly, when at the party do not, and I repeat do not, talk shit about your boyfriend’s family members in front of them, because chances are they are human beings with ears.

Once you’ve passed these most basic of rules of Betiquette, it’s time to move onto the house. When visiting your boyfriend’s house, it is important to be respectful of everyone’s property, and be polite to all family members within the home, regardless of whether they are there daily or not. This being said, here are some things you shouldn’t do once you’ve basically moved into your boyfriend’s parents’ home:

1.Do not dye your hair with the hand towel in their bathroom. As you may know, once hair dye is on material, it usually doesn’t come out. Furthermore, if you have already made this grievous error, it would be wrong to then put the hand towel back on its ring, thus staining the white wall behind it. And for Becky’s sake, please, if you have already committed this crime against the family, show some remorse. After all, his parents have paid for these things and not all people have money to burn.

2. Do not throw away absent family members’ things, including loofas, hair brushes, tooth brushes, lotions, special soaps (etc etc), especially if you know that these family members return to the house. Whether you want to believe it or not, his sister still needs her loofa when she returns from college, and she is not happy to wash with yours.

(Note: this second error might mean that his sister scrubs the toilet with the loofa that you have replaced hers with. Vengeance is swift.)

3. When said absent family members are returned home, it is not acceptable to steal the toilet paper from the bathroom all night because you have a cold and need to blow your nose; she will be angry that she has to go downstairs every time she needs to pee in the middle of the night. Get a box of fucking tissues.

4. Moaning loudly during sex is not appropriate, especially at 3 AM.

I only warn against these things because repercussions can be severe and may include, but are not limited to, having your loofa or tooth brush used as a cleaning tool, having your contact lenses fluid poured down the drain, having the toilet paper dipped in the toilet bowl, or having your shampoo all squeezed out.

Beware the angry absent family member, especially if she is a woman; generally speaking, women hate when their territory is invaded by their brother’s girlfriends.

However, these are not the only reason to follow these rules. You want to follow these rules because you want to feel good about yourself as a human being. And you don’t want everyone to think you’re an asshole.