FOR DOUCHY UNIVERSITIES

Dear Mr. Dr. President of the University,

I think that you should know, as the President of an Extremely Prestigious University, that there are terrible things going on in many facets of the University. It turns out, in the end, that the only people willing to do their jobs are the dedicated Professors, who I find flexible and willing to put their hours and more in assistance of the students.

But to be perfectly frank, everyone else sucks.

For example, I once went to the clinic. What I had was clearly a case of bronchitis. When I got in to see the "doctor", she did not check my ears, nose or throat, and then proceeded to misdiagnose me. It seems to me that when someone comes in with upper respiratory problems, it would only make sense to check their ears, nose and throat in order to come to the proper diagnosis. It turns out that your NP is an idiot. You shouldn't allow her to "diagnose" students, and I definitely wouldn't allow her to administer a swine flu vaccine.

Next up are the wonderful men and women you call your Deans. You should make it clear to them that they are there to serve us, the students who are paying $40,000 a year to attend your University. These dipshits are making you look bad. I understand that they have University rules that they must follow, but then they shouldn't tell students that they will break said rules for them when it is not a possibility, and then lie and say that they never said they would do what they said they would do. This is how students get totally screwed. They also need to be more communicative with each other, and with our Advisers. If no one knows what is going on, the students are going to be the ones suffering for it. I have one Dean telling me that I can take a tutorial over the summer, and then one telling me that I can't. Does anyone in the University actually know what the rules are?

I won't even start on ResLife, mostly because I don't want to think about that whole shitshow of a system now that I'm out of it. Your dorms are comfortable and accommodating in themselves, and that's the only good thing about them. The administration running them is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Also, please get a new lottery system; the whole "points" thing isn't working.

Finally, I want to talk about the financial aid: where does it all go? Lord knows I'm not getting any of it. I know someone is getting it, since they University doesn't seem to have a lot of money, and charges us for everything we get. Why is it that my sister paid less money to go to school, and yet at her graduation she got a whole table of food and an ice sculpture, while our graduates get Nothing?

Your financial aid office is a disgrace. A DISGRACE. First of all, it is NOT appropriate to release a financial aid package halfway through the semester. Some people (see: all students) can't pay $40,000 out of pocket. This being said, these same people need to know how much money they will owe the University long before the money is due. We need to take out loans. Letting me know how much money I owe to the University a week before said money is due mean that you're not going to get your money on time, which means that I can't register for classes, which leads to all sorts of problems with the Deans promising this and that and the other thing. Work on that.

Second of all, it is inappropriate to keep my financial aid that is supposed to be released to me for rent. Don't think I don't know that that money is sitting in the University's account gaining interest while my landlord is bugging me for rent "because he has bills to pay, too." And please, tell the people at Financial Aid to stop blaming Sally Mae. They notify me when the money goes through. If the money goes through the first week of September, I should not be receiving it in the middle of October, simple as that. I have never seen a group of people with such piss-poor work ethic; no one in that office wants to do their job, and I will let you know that all students have something to say about it.

For all these reasons, I will not be applying to your Graduate Program. Please remedy these problems, because your administration is dragging your schools' Good Name through the mud, and making you look like a shitbag. I advise you fire some people. Soon.

Thanks,
Becky