WHY LANDLORDS SHOULD PICK UP THEIR PHONE

I have moved around a lot since January 2007; believe it or not, since that time I have lived in six different places, and have lived with at least twenty-three different people. However, I have had only two different Landlords, and one man who thought that it was ok to dictate ridiculous rules to me after I had moved in…. but I digress. This being said, I like to think that I know how things should be run.

But I’ll tell you, being a Landlord must be really difficult. I mean, they must have it real bad. You can never get them on the phone, and even if you do, you can never get them to come over and fix shit. I once had a Landlord who refused to come fix a leaking faucet for four months, and it’s not even like the faucet had a minor leak; this wasn’t a drip-drip-drip, it was Niagara Falls. It was so bad that I had to close the bathroom door at night because I could hear it leaking from upstairs. The guy didn’t even have to get a plumber; he ended up fixing the leak himself. Eventually. And the thing is that I know his day wasn’t that busy, because he used to spend hours just sitting on the stoop and making sure only the right people went in and out of his building.

Now that’s just not right. Doesn’t this man know anything about the Green movement? Doesn’t he know that we’re all trying to Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle? Doesn’t he like to conserve water? Doesn’t he know that all that water that leaked out of my faucet in all those months probably could have been used to water an entire village for months? That is a man who truly needs to be slapped in the mouth and reported to the Landlords Association, or whoever it is that keeps the Landlords in check.

Never have I known anyone who told me that they really loved their Landlord, so I’ve written some guidelines for Landlords, in regards to Fixing Shit.

1. Answer the phone. You have a cell phone for a reason: so that you can answer my calls. If you are taking my money every month, you have a responsibility to answer your phone when I call. Isn’t this the reason that you gave me your number?

2. Answer your voicemails and/or text messages. I may be a bitch, but I understand that you cannot answer your phone 24/7, and you are not at my beck and call all day. However, if you got my voicemail more than three days ago, I should have received a reply call. I left you my phone number so that you can call me back.

3. When there is a problem, say a leak in the roof or something, please come and examine the damage. You may think that it is enough to have seen the pictures in the text message, but it isn’t. It turns out that you can see a lot more when you come and see for yourself. Before you send any “professionals” over, please come and look for yourself.

4. Do number three in a timely manner. If my roof started leaking in the middle of March, there is no reason why my roof still needs to be leaking in April, you know what I mean?

5. Underpaying on work that needs to be done is never a good idea. Cheap is expensive, and chances are that if you underpay, you will be back in a few months doing the same procedure over again.

6. When you finally get around to hiring someone who isn’t a complete putz to fix things, make sure you come with them, especially if you haven’t yet seen the damage for yourself (though you should have come right after the problem was reported). I will continue to use the hypothetical problem of the leaky roof. Do not send a group of hypothetical Mexicans over unaccompanied to sneak onto my terrace with a ladder and then peak into my windows. I could, hypothetically, be undressed. Or undressing. Or be having hypothetical sex with my hypothetical boyfriend. IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE. I should know they are coming, and they should come and buzz the front door and not surprise me by peering in the windows. NOT OK NOT OK NOT OK.

7. Make sure that when you hire people to fix something, they know what they’re supposed to be fixing. If my roof is leaking, I’m not going to be appreciative if I think someone is there to fix the leak and they only end up caulking my door closed. This is going to get expensive, because they’re going to expect payment when they didn’t actually do anything useful. If you’re going to hire Mexicans to do the job, make sure you speak Spanish.

Landlords of the world, I would love it if you realized that this is very good advice. After all, I am only here to help because helping you helps me. The truth is, you’re losing a lot of money by not using my guidelines for attending to the Renters’ problems.

In the end, it’s no skin off of my back if you don’t come fix this place; you’re the one who owns it. Sure, it’s inconvenient for me to have to move my couch every time it rains, but eventually I am going to move out. Then, you’re going to try to rent the place to someone else and realize that you can’t rent it to them without fixing all the shit that you were supposed to fix while I was still living there. And then by that time, everything will have deteriorated so much that it’ll take a lot more money to fix than it would have if you had just come when I called you.

So pick up the phone.